GNT #104: The Let Them Theory

read time: 3 minutes

25 years. That's how long it's been since I last saw my sister.

I was 16. It was at my Dad's wedding, 3 years after my Mom passed away from cancer, but I was really happy my Dad found love again. There was a lot of emotion in my family. And back then, I believed it was my responsibility to fix it.

But, life has a way of teaching you lessons. Over time I realized that wasn't my job. My sister decided to separate from my family for reasons that made sense to her.

Every year, I send her a Christmas card. No expectations, just a card with photos. But this year, my card was returned. No address change, just rejected.

Strangely, I felt at peace, thanks to something I’d recently learned: the Let Them Theory.

Today, I want to share the Let Them Theory with you. We’ll explore what it is, how it works, and when it doesn’t. I’ll also give you practical steps to apply it to your own life for greater peace and clarity.

Let’s dig in.

What Is The Let Them Theory?

I first heard about it in a video by Mel Robbins last year. Since then she's written an entire book about it. It's a simple mindset shift that can change how you approach relationships and situations.

The idea is super straightforward - stop trying to control other people’s actions or decisions. Instead, let them be who they are. When someone doesn’t meet your expectations, you stop fighting it.

Your friends didn’t invite you to brunch? Let them.

Your partner doesn’t want to train for that 5K with you? Let them.

When you stop trying to change people and instead accept them for who they are, you free up your energy for better things. Like focusing on yourself and creating a life you love.

When It Doesn't Apply

Mel is really clear that the Let Them Theory isn’t a free pass to ignore important boundaries or dangerous situations.

Here’s when it doesn’t apply:

1. Safety: If someone is about to hurt themselves or others, step in.
2. Boundaries: If someone repeatedly crosses a boundary you’ve set, stand firm. Don’t let them treat you poorly just to avoid conflict.
3. Advocating for Yourself: If you need to stand up for your worth, like negotiating your salary or addressing discrimination, don’t let them take advantage. Speak up.

These are the exceptions where action is necessary.

How to Use It in Your Life

According to Mel, here’s how the Let Them Theory can work for you, starting today:

Detach From the Outcome:

• Next time you feel yourself trying to control someone, ask, “What am I really afraid of?” Often, we’re reacting to fear. Fear of failure, rejection, or things not going how WE want. Recognize the fear, and let it go.
• Ex: My kids want to wear mismatched socks to school? Let them. They’ll learn their own lessons about self-expression and consequences.

Allow Failure:

• Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let someone stumble (this one is still really hard for me). Letting someone experience the consequences of their own choices can feel uncomfortable, but it’s often where the most powerful growth happens.
• Ex: My son baked a cake without a recipe. It flopped, but he learned, tried again, and nailed it. That failure built his confidence more than my guidance ever could.

Accept People for Who They Are:

• Are you in a relationship with the real person, or with their potential? Letting people show up as their true selves can give you clarity about your own life.
• Ex: My husband Ed does not share my enthusiasm for personal development books. For years I had dreams of reading them together. But I realized that he explores his own growth in different and awesome ways - like building and making things, and solving problems creatively. Instead of focusing on what he wasn't doing, I started focusing on the cool things he was doing. And it's made our relationship so much stronger.
   

Takeaway

I hope by now you know the Let Them Theory isn’t about giving up. It’s about letting go.

It’s a reminder that other people’s actions aren’t ours to control. When you stop trying to manage what’s not yours, you’ll find more space for peace and purpose in your life.

Next time you catch yourself getting worked up over someone else’s choices, can you pause and ask yourself: “Does this really matter to me? Does trying to control it feel good?”

If not, let them. And let yourself move on.

See you next week, friends!

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