GNT #51: How to support someone going through catastrophic grief

read time: 4 minutes

I was hesitant to hit publish on today's newsletter.

This topic is deeply personal and challenging, but I feel it's essential, especially coming out of the holiday season when grief can feel more intense.

At some point, we all encounter someone experiencing catastrophic grief - in our workplace, network, friends, or family.

Understanding how to support them is crucial. 

What do I mean by catastrophic grief?

- Overwhelming and all-encompassing.
- Withdrawal from social life.
- Loss of a close, irreplaceable person.
- Difficulty envisioning a future or moving forward.
- Grief that reshapes self-identity.
- Physical symptoms like loss of appetite and sleep disturbances.
- Profound loneliness and a sense of irreplaceable loss.

Today, I'm going to highlight a few ways to support someone going through this intense time of grief.

What I share here, very briefly, is based on my own experiences, what I've learned through years of therapy, and countless mental health books.

At the end, I'll link to more resources to help us continue the conversation. I hope this is just the beginning.

Important note:

Please reach out to your health care provider if you are overwhelmed by feelings of grief, depression, or any mental health challenges. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and professional guidance can mean all the difference when navigating the complexities of grief. You don't have to face this alone.

My story

When I was 8, my Mom, Shirley, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.

Ever the superwoman and caretaker of others, she hardly skipped a beat running our family sheep farm, leading our church Sunday school programs and children's choirs, and countless other community activities.

After surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, life "seemed" to go back to normal for a few years (or so I thought from my limited view). 

Then after participating in a community walk against hunger, she found herself unable to walk. We realized it wasn't due to the physical activity, but new cancer tumors had formed on her spine. More aggressive treatments ensued. We cut doors in our small farmhouse walls so we could more easily move her around.

Months went by and she slowly deteriorated.

We cared for her at home the best we could. And then, on a cold January day, she passed away.

I was 13. 

I don't remember much, but I do remember crowds at her funeral, the home-cooked meals delivered to our door, and the grief that reshaped my entire life.

Over the course of 5 years after my Mom died, I grappled with deep depression and feelings I couldn't articulate. I was hospitalized in an inpatient mental health care facility when I was 15 and soon after found a therapist that really helped me find a path out.

In my journey, I learned some valuable lessons – not just in coping with my own pain, but in understanding how others could have supported me better (though I'm grateful for the support I had).

How to support someone going through catastrophic grief

-Listen Without Judgment:

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is listen. Let them share their memories, their pain, their fears, and their hopes. Just being there, being present, is immensely powerful.

I remember my best friend, Alicia, being by my side. Not having to say anything, but just being there. 

Have you found yourself in a situation where just listening made all the difference? How did it feel?

-Offer Practical Help:

Grieving individuals might struggle with everyday tasks. Offering help with groceries, cooking, or even child care can be a great relief. It's important, though, to ask first and respect their wishes.

I have special memories of the comforting, home-cooked meals people brought over.

-Respect Their Grieving Process:

Grief has no timeline. Avoid any phrases like “you should be moving on by now.” Everyone heals in their own time and in their own way.

25+ years later and I'm still struck by moments of grief that arise. This is completely normal.

-Encourage Professional Support:

Sometimes, the best help comes from a professional. Encouraging them to seek therapy or join support groups can be a step towards healing.

I wish I would have had this support earlier in my journey.

-Check-In Regularly:

Grief can be isolating. Regular check-ins show that you care and are there for them, even if they’re not ready to talk or engage.

In my case, there was a lot of support immediately afterwards, however, 6 months later it became very quiet.

-Avoid Clichés:

Phrases like “They’re in a better place” can be more hurtful than helpful.

Instead, a simple “I’m here for you” is more powerful.

Let's take it further

For further reading, I highly recommend, 'The Grief Recovery Handbook' by John W. James and Russell Friedman, and 'Option B' by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. 

As we embark on a new year, let us remember those who are struggling. And support them with empathy and understanding.

If you know someone going through grief, I encourage you to reach out with a compassionate heart.

Your support can truly make a difference in their healing journey.

Wishing you a wonderful 2024.

-Colleen

p.s. If my story resonated with you, or if you have your own experiences with grief and healing, I’d love to hear from you. Reply to this email or connect with me on LinkedIn.

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